I'm and ENFJ and I'm here to help!
Over 20 years ago, I was introduced to Myers Briggs Personality Type Theory and I was hooked from the start. All my life I had felt that there was something wrong with me because I was more sensitive and easily wounded than either of my parents and many of my friends. Throughout my childhood and teen years, I was chastised for "wearing my feelings on my sleeve" and for not being able to easily "roll with the punches." I was much relieved when I first took the MBTI and found out that, though my ENFJ type is relatively rare in the population (15% or so), there are still lots and lots of people like me - dominant Extraverted Feelers - outgoing folks who lead with their hearts.
So, I realized, there wasn't something wrong with me after all. I am who God made me to be - and that's all right. Do I need to cultivate my critical thinking skills or to even learn how to put on a Teflon overcoat when called for? Of course. There are definitely times when it's important to know how to remove feelings from the equation and to reason logically - considering only the facts. And there are even times when that nonstick surface is essential for letting the negative (especially unnecessarily harsh criticism) slide off. But still, most of the time it's okay to be me and to lead with my heart.
Understanding my personality type has also helped explain much of my approval-seeking behavior. Wanting to be loved and approved of by others is natural for most folks, but it is in the DNA of ENFJ's like me. We need atta-girl's and encouraging smiles almost as much as we need air and water, which is why we try so hard to get validation from others and why we feel so defeated and hopeless when approval is consistently withheld. When others disapprove of us, or heaven forbid, dislike us, we are demolished - and at least in my case, I find myself back in the downward spiral of self blame - wondering "What's wrong with me? Why don't they like me?"
Being an ENFJ also helps to explain why I have such a difficult time ending relationships or cutting people loose - even when those relationships or people are toxic to me. I just can't seem to give up working toward reconciliation even when it isn't in my best interests. Often, I'm plagued by thoughts like, "If I just try hard enough, he/she will come around," of "I know I can be who he/she wants me to be," thoughts that are not productive and should be quickly short-circuited. Trouble is, people-pleasing is not only a product of my upbringing, it's in my very nature, and learning when to let go is difficult to impossible.
That deep-seated need for approval is why excessive criticism can be completely debilitating for Extraverted Feelers, like me. Want to crush me? That's easy - just keep finding fault with me without ever balancing that by offering any praise. Since my natural tendency is for self-blame, all you have to do is feed into that and you can get the best of me without really trying. But on the flip side, all it takes is a few kind words, a compliment or two, and you'll get the very best me there is. I will work harder, and more joyfully, just to keep the praise coming.
Yes, I'm and ENFJ and I'm here to help.