Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Making Amends






For the past few weeks, our pastor has been presenting a sermon series entitled, "I'm Offended." This topic has had a significant impact on me. In light of the current state of affairs in this country - when everyone seems to be operating from a position of, "I'm just telling it like it is and if you're offended, tough;" And when so many people seem to believe that you shouldn't be offended, anyway, when others speak their "truth;" And if you are, it's just because you're too sensitive - this is a very important lesson. I'm probably in the minority these days, but I believe that we need to be reminded of the dangers of offensive words and behavior and of what is required of anyone who strives to live in polite society and in harmony with others. 

So, you ask, why should it matter if you're offended by someone, or if you offend someone? You'll get over it, right? They'll get over it, too, eventually. And you'll both either forgive and ignore the offense or move on. Maybe one of you will hold a grudge and never re-connect, but that's okay, right? People come in and out of our lives all the time, so what does it matter if an offense comes between us? Someone else will step in to fill the void left by the person who is no longer in your life, right? And it's likely that you're not missing anything by not having that person in you life and they're not missing anything by not having you in theirs. Right? And besides, you have the right to say whatever you think, right? And if others are too easily offended, it's their problem, right?

No. Not right. Never has been, never will be. Offending others or being offended by others can be a relationship death knell. We cut off contact with those who have offended us because we're hurt and it's easier than confronting them, telling them that we're hurt, and trying to forgive. We avoid those we have offended because we're feeling embarrassed and guilty and don't want to face up to them, swallow our pride, and admit that we were wrong. (Or else we demonize them and shift the blame to them for "over-reacting" or being too sensitive.) So, instead of trying to mend fences and repair the relationship, we let it die. And we never know what we missed because we didn't care enough to try to reconcile.

It making amends an easy process? Heck no. Proverbs 18:19 says, "An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city." So true. Think about it. When you are offended, what do you expect the friend who offended you to do? How far does he/she have to go to win you back? That varies with people and personality. Not many of us are naturally forgiving and some of us are downright stubborn grudge-holders. So for most, a sincere, "I'm sorry," is the bare minimum we need before we can open our arms for a reuniting hug. For some much more is required. 

Our pastor quoted, Ken Sande, and his Seven A's of Confession (or Reconciliation) as a how-to guide for making amends for your offensive behavior. My thoughts are noted in purple.

  1. Address everyone involved (All those whom you affected)  If you aren't sure about someone, ask. You might be surprised how far-reaching your offensive statements/actions might be. Don't assume. Verify.
  2. Avoid if, but, and maybe (Do not try to excuse your wrongs)  Like our pastor said, when you make a positive, constructive statement then use if, but, or maybe, followed by some qualification or justification for your words or behavior, you negate everything you said before. Here's an example - "That color really looks great on you, BUT those pants make your butt look big." Or to put it in context - "I'm sorry for being so critical, BUT you know me, I say what I think and MAYBE you shouldn't ask my opinion." Or the following which is definitely not an apology - "I'm sorry IF I hurt your feelings." Also, as recommended by our pastor, add NEVER and ALWAYS to that list. Those extreme words are rarely true though they offend often.
  3. Admit specifically (Both attitudes and actions) Saying "I'm sorry," isn't enough. Try to express exactly what you believe you've done or said that was offensive. And while you're doing it, try to look and sound remorseful and sincere. I'm reminded of a character Steve Martin portrayed on "Saturday Night Live," who would say, "Well, Excuuuuuse Meeee!" Definitely not an apology.
  4. Acknowledge the hurt (Express sorrow for hurting someone) Some people are born with Teflon overcoats - insults and personal attacks seem to slide off - leaving no hurt, no offense. But others' overcoats are made of Velcro - everything sticks - and hurts and offends. Let the person you've offended know that you recognize the pain you've caused them. Even if you wouldn't have reacted in the same way, acknowledge that they have been hurt and that they are entitled to their feelings and reactions. Telling someone that they shouldn't have been wounded won't resolve anything.
  5. Accept the consequences (Such as making restitution) It's always risky to ask the person you've offended if there is anything you can do to make it up to him/her, but often that's exactly what you need to do. Sometimes it's the only way to begin the reconciliation process. And if they suggest something which might make them feel better, if it is in your power, do it.
  6. Alter your behavior (Change your attitudes and actions) Really make an effort NOT to repeat the offensive statements or behavior. Think before you speak or act. Remember to whom you are speaking and how you have previously wounded that individual. If you say you're sorry but show no change in attitude or action, your apology is insincere and disingenuous and you have destroyed all trust.
  7. Ask for forgiveness Maybe the hardest part of all - but the most important to reconciliation. Learn to forgive and to ask for forgiveness. 
So, I ask again, why does it matter? Because we live in a civilized society - or at least we used to - and that's what civilized people do. 

"If possible, on your part, live at peace with everyone."  Romans 12:18