Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Should's and Ought's

Writing my first two posts and reading some of your comments brought several of the more quirky "should" or "ought" commandments I heard as a child to mind. I thought you might like reading about a couple of the funnier "should's" my mom insisted upon. So here goes -

1. "You must always wear a girdle when you go out in public. Your bottom should not jiggle when you walk nor should the crack between your buttocks show. That is just vulgar!"

"Vulgar" was a word my mom used often in association with any unladylike behavior, dress, or personal grooming practice. A woman who smoked in public (Mom was a smoker but she never lit up in public), drank a little too much, flirted overtly, talked too loudly, wore clothing that was too short, clingy, or revealing, sported heavy make-up, etc. was classified as vulgar by Mom.

So as soon as I was old enough (eighth grade, I think) to begin wearing stockings, I was fitted with a heavy, nylon, long-line girdle. It smoothed and flattened the tush and never, ever let anything "jiggle." I still groan when I think about how impossible that girdle was to pull back up over my sweaty legs after gym class. (The photo below is NOT me by the way. I gave up on following this commandment as soon as I went away to college!)




2. "The person who makes a call should be the one to end the call. It is rude to say goodbye first to anyone who calls you. You must wait for them to do so."

Now I just cannot tell you how many hours my mother sat with the phone to her ear, listening to some relative or neighbor drone on and on about nothing important, just because she always followed this rule and refused to be rude. To my knowledge, she never told anyone, not even in the politest way possible, that she couldn't talk or that she would have to call them back later. Nope. Despite the fact that their call came at the most inconvenient time possible - like in the middle of dinner - my mother listened patiently until the caller was ready to say goodbye. This particular "should" drove my poor dad crazy. Can't tell you how many times I heard him yell, "Bonnie, just hang up the damned phone!"



3. During a thunderstorm, you should stop whatever you're doing, close all the curtains and draperies, and sit down quietly in an interior room. You ought to avoid the kitchen or bathroom and never stand near a window, take a shower, or answer the phone during a storm."

This one, I believe, was a hold-over from my mom's childhood. My grandfather was afraid of storms, maybe because he was a farmer and had likely been caught outside in them more than once. Or maybe because electric lights were a relatively new addition to his home in rural Bedford County Virginia, and the potentially deadly power of those wires running into the house was well-respected. In either case, whenever a storm came up, he rounded up the kids (however many of his 10 children were living at home at the time), herded them inside, and made them sit quietly - away from any plumbing and wiring on which the lightening might run into the house - until the storm was over. My dad, the railroad electrician, thought this "should" was just plain ridiculous. He would often deliberately defy this rule, encouraging me and my brother to watch the lighting flash outside our picture window, just to upset my mom.



Well, there you have several of the best "should's" and "ought's" at my house. What are some of yours?

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Keeping up Appearances


My mother was a private, serious woman who was quite concerned about keeping up appearances. My dad was - not so much. Mom was very reserved, always careful not to say or do anything which might bring unwanted attention down upon her. She lived by her long list of self-imposed should's and ought's, spouting many of the adages I'm sure your mom spouted to you - "Always wear clean underwear just in case you get in an accident," "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all," "You don't want people to think badly of you," "Be careful not to hurt anyone else's feelings," etc. Mom's dedication to maintaining propriety served her well, for the most part. She was respected and generally liked, and to my knowledge, no one ever thought badly of her.

On the other hand, my dad was exuberantly extroverted, always ready with a slightly off-color joke, which he told with little provocation and at which he laughed louder than his audience. He sang aloud whenever it pleased him and with no concern for who might be listening. He picked and teased and flirted at will and generally ignored the embarrassment he caused his wife and young daughter. Dad could be boisterous, irreverent, and even occasionally confrontational, though his innate warmth and genuine love for people was always obvious to anyone who ever met him. And, despite the fact that he didn't ever seek the approval of others, that approval was almost always granted to him. I can honestly say that my dad was beloved (or at least well-liked) by just about everyone who ever knew him.

So this comparison begs the question - Who lived a happier life - my mom or my dad? Of course, the answer to that question is relative and difficult to answer correctly. On the surface, it would be natural to think that it was my father, with his "What you see is what you get," devil-may-care attitude, and ability to make himself the life of any party, who took the happiness prize home. But, though she was much less demonstrative, emotionally deeper, and harder to read, Mom definitely took great pleasure and satisfaction in the certainty that she lived her life the "right" way - at least in her personal assessment of what was right. And she took pride in her reputation as a "good" wife, mother, friend, and neighbor. For her, keeping up appearances was a badge of success, and with that successful achievement came the satisfaction of a life well-lived and hopefully - happy.

Which leaves me with a dilemma. In many ways, I'm much more like my dad than my mom. I'm very open, out-going, and generally gregarious, and I thoroughly enjoy being the center of attention. But unfortunately, in one very important way, I'm like my mom. I want, or maybe I should say I need to feel that I am liked and approved of by others. And even though I realize that whether or not others like or appreciate me is sometimes more about them than it is about me, I still find myself devastated by any rejection. Though I grew up witnessing how my dad's carefree approach to life drew people to him, my mother's list of rules by which to live to ensure the approval of others, seemed to speak to my innate, people-pleasing tendencies, sinking deep into my psyche. So, how do I rid myself of this quest for approval and validation by others? That is truly the question, is it not?

Monday, July 25, 2016

Always Aiming to Please

If you are a child of the 50's, a "Baby Boomer," it's quite likely that you grew up hearing the same instructional platitudes I heard for most of my childhood, "Be a good girl, now," "Mind your manners," and "Act like a lady," to quote a few. Quite often a scolding for unseemly behaviors was accompanied by a horrified, "What will the neighbors think?" 

Maybe you were an independent or even rebellious type, who wasn't persuaded to toe the line by those "be good" admonishments, or even by the fear of having your neighbors think badly of you. If so, then I applaud you and this blog is probably not for you. But I'm guessing that there are many, many of you out there, the natural-born people-pleasers, like me, who bought into every word and let those oft-repeated, parent-tape messages sink deep into our psyches, sending us on a never-ending quest to be liked and approved of by others - even, and maybe especially, by strangers.

Despite the many years and accompanying wealth of experience and competence we have behind us, and the certain knowledge and understanding that it is not a necessity or a requirement to be pleasing to others or approved of by them, in our heart or hearts (the tiny crevice deep inside our chests where reason isn't admitted) that is still exactly what we seek. Which begs the question - Why am I still, along with those of you out there like me, always aiming to please? 

So, the primary purpose of this blog will be to examine and critique some of what I believe to be the contributing factors in my life-long drive to please, and my continued quest for the approval of others. Maybe by writing my thoughts and theories down here, I will be able to rid myself of this deep need to please, and to simply be - me. And I hope that some of you out there, who share my quest, will take this journey with me.