My mother was a private, serious woman who was quite concerned about keeping up appearances. My dad was - not so much. Mom was very reserved, always careful not to say or do anything which might bring unwanted attention down upon her. She lived by her long list of self-imposed should's and ought's, spouting many of the adages I'm sure your mom spouted to you - "Always wear clean underwear just in case you get in an accident," "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all," "You don't want people to think badly of you," "Be careful not to hurt anyone else's feelings," etc. Mom's dedication to maintaining propriety served her well, for the most part. She was respected and generally liked, and to my knowledge, no one ever thought badly of her.
On the other hand, my dad was exuberantly extroverted, always ready with a slightly off-color joke, which he told with little provocation and at which he laughed louder than his audience. He sang aloud whenever it pleased him and with no concern for who might be listening. He picked and teased and flirted at will and generally ignored the embarrassment he caused his wife and young daughter. Dad could be boisterous, irreverent, and even occasionally confrontational, though his innate warmth and genuine love for people was always obvious to anyone who ever met him. And, despite the fact that he didn't ever seek the approval of others, that approval was almost always granted to him. I can honestly say that my dad was beloved (or at least well-liked) by just about everyone who ever knew him.
So this comparison begs the question - Who lived a happier life - my mom or my dad? Of course, the answer to that question is relative and difficult to answer correctly. On the surface, it would be natural to think that it was my father, with his "What you see is what you get," devil-may-care attitude, and ability to make himself the life of any party, who took the happiness prize home. But, though she was much less demonstrative, emotionally deeper, and harder to read, Mom definitely took great pleasure and satisfaction in the certainty that she lived her life the "right" way - at least in her personal assessment of what was right. And she took pride in her reputation as a "good" wife, mother, friend, and neighbor. For her, keeping up appearances was a badge of success, and with that successful achievement came the satisfaction of a life well-lived and hopefully - happy.
Which leaves me with a dilemma. In many ways, I'm much more like my dad than my mom. I'm very open, out-going, and generally gregarious, and I thoroughly enjoy being the center of attention. But unfortunately, in one very important way, I'm like my mom. I want, or maybe I should say I need to feel that I am liked and approved of by others. And even though I realize that whether or not others like or appreciate me is sometimes more about them than it is about me, I still find myself devastated by any rejection. Though I grew up witnessing how my dad's carefree approach to life drew people to him, my mother's list of rules by which to live to ensure the approval of others, seemed to speak to my innate, people-pleasing tendencies, sinking deep into my psyche. So, how do I rid myself of this quest for approval and validation by others? That is truly the question, is it not?
Nice. I think the Ayers sisters were/are all very similar in caring about doing and saying the right things. Living by a certain unspoken but clear code of decency. Interesting. I see my mom in your description of Aunt Bonnie, though they were different in other ways. And I have the same characteristics to an extent. They also had/have that strength and resilience and sense of independence as well, that I also think I have (or I like to think I have.) A lot of what I think leads us to happiness in life is how honest we are about ourselves and true to our beliefs in our actions....leaving us able to "sleep at night," so to speak, knowing we did the right thing. Back to your parents, I do think people with different strengths are drawn to each other just because of that...to make a more complete couple. And then, their children, if they have them, are lucky enough to capture what is hopefully the best of both of them in character and temperament...that would be you! Being AWARE of yourself and your need for approval is a huge part of dealing with that need. And I don't think it is always bad, except when others who sense that "giving" nature, take advantage of you. Keeping my radar out for those people has proven a life quest for me. Trying to surround myself with those people who don't drain me and who instead support me is a constant drive. You do have to ask yourself, repeatedly, what I am getting out of this situation, whether a relationship with a friend, employee, etc.? Keep writing!
ReplyDeleteSo right! Having that insight into those who want to suck the life out of you is important - as is setting boundaries. Of course boundary setting is especially difficult when you're trying to establish them for the first time with someone.
DeleteMy mom and dad were so much like you describe yours and, like you, I see myself more like Dad than Mom. I "identified" an important trait near the end of Mom's life. Mom was the consummate actress! Until she finally decided it took much energy and stopped caring what others thought/said about her, she easily put on one of her many masks and played the part she thought they expected. To the end, she felt herself to be superior to many around her because she could so easily "fool the fools". Don't get me wrong! My mom was, in many ways, a loving and caring person. I, and others around her, loved her even though she could be cold and unemotional compared to my equally gregarious and outgoing dad.To discern this trait and label it helped me understand my own tendancies to do the same. It also helped me resolve to take more effort in understanding where others are coming from and to not waste my time by playing parts assigned to me by them. Now my focus is on being tactful/diplomatic and truly caring, but to my own self be true. Do I still mask my own feelings at times? Of course! But, for the most part, people know the "real" me, good, bad, or indifferent!
ReplyDeleteWe all wear masks from time to time. Some of us do it better than others, and some like doing it better than others. There is a weird sense of satisfaction that we feel when we know we've succeeded in pulling off a successful masked display, as it allows us to live for a moment in another skin - another persona - and to be accepted. I'm thinking that perhaps the more introverted among us do more mask-play than the extroverts like us, because introverts tend to be less trusting of the world at large and to work harder to protect their "real self," from criticism. Extroverts, for the most part, tend to just put themselves out there and take the risk of not being accepted or liked. You have a great point, though, about not playing roles others have assigned to you. That's important. Wear the masks you want to wear and leave off the ones handed to you by someone else.
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