When Friends Leave

Today a read this poem -

I watched my
friends,
leave my life.
And the worst part,
is that I felt like I
deserved it.

S.W.

I have no idea who S.W.is but I definitely know what she's feeling. It hurts when friends turn away from you. It's agony when your dearest friends no longer want to count you among their dearest friends. And I don't know about you, but I always assume that I'm the problem. I am always convinced that I must have done or said something to my friends to make them turn away from me and leave me behind.

Friends leave you in a multitude of ways. Sometimes they just drift away - gradually stop calling or reciprocating your invitations. Other times they tell you bluntly that they no longer want to be your friend. The first method makes you feel sad and might leave you wondering a bit if you've done something to offend, but often you chalk it up to a life that has just gotten too busy. The second, more direct method, really stings, a needle that is sharp and aimed straight at the heart. It lets you know that you've definitely offended somehow and that you are simply too unpleasant to endure. As difficult as this is to take, at least you know for certain that in the mind of your friend, you deserve to be dropped from the friend zone.

But by far the worst way to be left by a friend, to my mind, is when that friend simply stops responding to your attempts at communication. One day they're there for you, the next day they're not. No more contact. No explanations. Leaving you questioning not only yourself but whether or not the friendship was ever as real and important to the friend as it was to you.

How do you reconcile that kind of rejection? What do you do after you've made several attempts to reconnect with that friend with absolutely no response? Well, in my case, I checked the obits to make sure the friend hadn't gone and died on me, then I tried, one more time to reach out, to make sure my friend was okay. I offered up my concern and aid if needed. And then I waited. Finally, when no response came, I gave up. Then I started trying to figure out what I had done wrong. Why did I deserve to be excised out of my friend's life so neatly?

I thought back to the time when the other friend told me that she didn't want to be around me any more - a time that I thought was one of the lowest points in my life - and realized that despite how much that hurt, this sudden abandonment without explanation, by a cherished friend, is much more difficult to endure. It's soul-crushing.

Why? Because I know deep down that it is entirely my fault. I'm toxic. I deserved to be cut off from that friendship - and all friendships. Problem is - I don't know what it was about me - what I did or what I said - that was so offensive and off-putting - so toxic. And because I have no clue about what makes me so toxic, I have no way to remedy the situation. I can't change something about myself that annoys or frustrates another if I don't know what that something is. So I delve deep into self-analysis and self-blame.

Because of my foundation in Myers Briggs Personality Type, I tend to do that analysis from a type perspective -

I am truly an Extravert, so I wonder - Am I too open and forthcoming? Do I share too much? Do I speak without thinking too often? Do I express my opinions too openly?

I am also an iNtuitive person, so I think - Maybe I try to get too deep into real communication with friends - trying to make a connection that goes beyond the surface. Maybe I'm too abstract. Maybe I allow myself to get too far into the theoretical. Maybe I am too prone to flights of fancy instead of being grounded. Maybe I spend too much time asking "What if?" and focusing on possibilities. Maybe I'm happier living in my imagination than in the real world.

I am, sadly, a strong Feeling decision maker, so I assume - I'm the problem. I'm too sensitive. I wear my feelings on my sleeve. I'm too easily wounded. I'm too easily swayed by things that touch my heart. And when I'm over-stressed, I become the polar opposite - the teddy bear becomes a bear.

I am, for good or bad, a Judging type, so I imagine others think that - I'm too quick to draw conclusions. I'm too controlling. I'm too opinionated. I'm too structured and rigid. I'm too bossy and take-charge - too preachy. Too convinced that my way is the right way.

That's me - the ENFJ  teacher. Always have been, always will be. I know that puts me in the minority - type-wise (less than 15% of the population.) I've felt like the proverbial duck out of water my whole life. Certainly that's why some of my friends have turned away - they simply do not and will never "get" me. Nevertheless, the rejection I've experienced by those I thought were friends has hurt me deeply and profoundly. I wish I knew why they don't want me as a friend.

I want to cry out - "Just tell me what's wrong with me and I'll fix it!" Rejection is unspeakably painful, especially when you know, deep down, that you deserve it.